Phase 5 started to become a mental battle. I wanted to commit to the detox but I was also starting to reach my limit of holding back on the hunger and lack of freedom with food. It felt like I was struggling with some of the seven sins.
I thought having one meal to look forward to would relieve a big part of my stress, but I became more obsessed about eating normal food. In the early stages, I did not feel too much jealousy towards my husband eating normal food next to me because I had a stronger will power to commit to my goal. But in phase 5, I could not stop staring with eyes of envy and always tried a bite or two (or three…) of it. I was desperately missing the joy of having a normal full meal.
I did not realize that autonomy would play such a huge role in my satisfaction with eating. Although I gained the freedom to eat lunch, I still could not choose my own lunch menu because I ate the school cafeteria lunch on weekdays. It was delicious and I looked forward to it, but it was not enough. Whenever I asked my husband about what he chose to eat that day, I said “좋겠다” which could mean “Good for you.” “I’m jealous!”
I looked forward to weekends when I was able to choose what I want to eat. On the first weekend I tried to go easy on my stomach by eating a vegan burger, but on the second weekend, I had a strong urge to eat meat, so I had some expensive grilled galbi (beef) with yukhoe (raw beef) bibimbap. It was not the type of food that the traditional Korean medicine doctor recommended… but no regrets. I give my self an A for effort for still trying to eat more vegetables!!
Whenever I ate normal food, I felt like I was overeating because I was so excited to have food. Although my stomach has shrunk from the detox, I wanted to shove everything that I have been banned from eating into my stomach.
I also craved more junk food that I should not be eating. Fried chicken… ramen… pizza… tteokbokki… chocolate chip cookies…
And all the strawberry drinks that are in season at almost every cafe in Korea…
Just 10 More Days…
Now I am afraid that I will overeat even more once this detox is over. Or perhaps it’ll be the opposite and I will naturally calm down because I will regain my freedom of choosing what I want to eat for each meal of the day.
I will have to remind myself that I will have plenty of time to give some time between my unhealthy cravings, so I shouldn’t be eating them all at once. Should I make a calendar to spread out my unhealthy food indulgences?
Hopefully I can continue to eat more vegetables and maintain a healthier diet than before.